ramblings from the noisedoctor

April 21, 2008

what if i don’t want to be happy?

Filed under: Bible study, Christianity, infertility — noisedoctor @ 8:41 am

I’ve been trying to get caught up on some of the recent teachings by John Piper from the book of Romans. He’s been talking about Romans 13:8 “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another…” He mentioned a quote by Jeremy Taylor:

God threatens terrible things if we will not be happy.

That really piqued my interest. I wanted to research that a little bit, so I found a reference on Piper’s site to a verse that Taylor was referring:

Because you did not serve the LORD your God joyfully and gladly in the time of prosperity… Deuteronomy 28:47 (NIV)

I know that verse continues on into a specific list of repercussions for Israel’s disobedience. Yet I think that there are lessons for me to learn in there. My gut reaction is that God is saying something between, “I gave you all of this, and you won’t be happy?” and “what is it going to take to make you people happy?”

Though I have plenty of room left to grow, I think that’s an area of my life where I have grown a great deal over the past few years. I think this was particularly evident in the 18 months where my wife and I were unsuccessfully trying to conceive a child. Yes, there were times I was bummed and frustrated, but overall I made conscious choices to be happy and joyful.

I learned to appreciate other things in my life more: my three nephews, my wife, the wonderful house and property I have, etc. Yes, I didn’t have what I was hoping for the most at that time, but how infinite the other blessings I had. Why should I sit and mope until I get that one desire?

Now that we do have the child that we so hoped and prayed for, I think that I am even more joyful and happy. I think that I notice, appreciate, and praise God for little things that would have never caught my attention before.

I don’t recall the exact situation, but I was talking to someone recently about my son. I mentioned how good he was, how well he was sleeping, and things like that. This person asked if he got fussy. I said that all babies get fussy, and he was no exception. I forget exactly what this person said, but it was something to the effect of, “I bet there are times you wish you could trade him in,” (or “send him back” or something similar). I didn’t even have to think before I replied, “never, not once.” I think that’s because I’ve started to learn to live happy by choosing to be happy. I’m not waiting to “feel” happy. I’m looking for the positives, the blessings in my life and just being happy.

I have a long way to go, many more blessings to recognize and praise God for, and many, many other areas in which to grow, but I hope I never hear the Lord say to me, “Because you did not serve Me joyfully and gladly in your time of prosperity…”

April 16, 2008

it’s a boy…

Filed under: clomid, family, infertility, pregnancy — Tags: — noisedoctor @ 3:52 pm

Just a tad belated here now that he’s 10 weeks old… But that’s why I haven’t had anything to say lately. My wife delivered a happy and healthy baby boy on 2/2/2008. He’s a lot of work but the best gift God has ever given me.

June 22, 2007

we have a heartbeat!

Filed under: infertility, marriage, pregnancy — noisedoctor @ 10:30 am

It was an exciting appointment with the doctor today. My wife is an ultrasound tech. She has done hundreds–if not thousands–of baby ultrasounds in her career. So I was wondering how she’d react to watching the ultrasound today. As she was last week, she was a bit tense and her heart was racing. Her heart seemed to race even more as the tech got things going. We could see the sack was larger than last week. It took a few minutes for her to focus in on the sack, and we could soon see the tiny heart beating. My wife exclaimed “thank you God” and started crying. I think she really feared something would be wrong. I had no doubt whatsoever that things would be great. Now I have to go get my scanner set up!

June 15, 2007

all is well, one baby on the way!

Filed under: Christianity, clomid, family, infertility, pregnancy — noisedoctor @ 11:02 am

We had a visit with the fertility doctor this morning. We’ll get the results of the bloodwork later today. The ultrasound showed one sack where it should be in the uterus and it looked like there was a yolk sack. It’s too early to see a heartbeat. But, everything looks good. I’m very excited. If I can get my scanner out, I’ll post a scan of the ultrasound of the little peanut.

My wife was very nervous this morning and didn’t sleep well last night as a result. I’ve done everything to encourage her to relax and trust God that everything will work out fine. The ultrasound tech and doctor today both encouraged her to relax, since everything is fine. But, that’s just the way she is.

June 8, 2007

stunned…

Filed under: adoption, Christianity, clomid, family, infertility, marriage, pregnancy — noisedoctor @ 6:36 am

My wife just called me from work. I’m now sitting here stunned, my head swimming, my emotions all over the map. Why? Let me rewind.

The last few days have been really rough. My wife has, and she has admitted this, been very irritable. We went away on vacation from May 22-30th. We had a great time in Aruba. My wife had really wanted to go there for a while. The trip coincided with her potentially fertile time. The day before the trip, she had an ultrasound to verify that there were two follicles. He suggested taking a pack of ovulation detector kits with us on the trip. When we left the office, my wife suggested we stop and buy a pack. I asked if she’d be okay with not doing that–to just forget about planning, “trying,” or anything else and just going away, having a good time, and allowing God to take care of it. We discussed it for a few minutes and she agreed with my suggestion. We did have a great trip (I had too much of a great trip and gained 7 pounds. yikes!).

For the last few days, my wife has been very irritable, not just to me, but to her co-workers as well. The hospital has been very busy this week and she has been there every day this week (she usually gets one or two days at another of their facilities where it’s not nearly as stressful and busy). Day 28 was Tuesday or Wednesday–I’m not sure. She has been saying that she “isn’t feeling any different” than any other month right before starting her period. Wednesday morning her temperature dropped slightly, like it normally does a day or two before her period starts. So, she started taking her cramp/pain medication like she normally does to prevent her very painful cramping. Yesterday, her temperature held to what it was on Wednesday–which was odd, but not completely unheard of. This morning, it crept back up slightly. That was odd.

So, what should we do? She had to be at work soon. We have sworn off keeping pregnancy tests in the house. She didn’t have time to stop and get one on the way to work. So, she suggested just scanning herself (she’s an ultrasound tech) and having me come in with her (that was part of a deal we made–no scanning unless I’m there). But, it would be logistically tough for me to get dressed, get in there and have that done before any of her co-workers showed up, and she’s been trying to keep the fertility stuff from most of her co-workers. So, I suggested she just go in and scan herself without me. Partly because I was completely brain dead–I got up earlier than usual, partly because I didn’t expect the scan to show anything even if she is pregnant, and partly because I didn’t want to cause a scene if co-workers arrived.

I just got a phone call. She’s pretty confident that she sees one if not two sacks in her uterus. She’s not sure because she was so beside herself once she saw her lining intact (not about to be shed for her period).

I’m stunned most of all. I’m thrilled. I’m mildly concerned about there maybe being two (I’ve discussed that previously). I’m shocked at how it’s played out this month with her convinced that nothing “was going on” there.

I’m also a tiny bit concerned that… on the vacation, she was drinking a little bit. Does that matter in the first week after implantation? I doubt it. Does it matter that she was taking Anaprox here for a couple days? I don’t know. I guess I figure if God has finally decided this is the right time for a miracle (if not two miracles) then I have to doubt a little bit of pain medication isn’t going to be a problem.

I also find it very ironic that two nights ago, my wife started to express a strong desire to begin immediate work to start the adoption process. She had recently met a woman who works as a lawyer assisting in private adoptions. I had said that I am open to that possibility but really didn’t think I had received any sort of push from God in that direction just yet. Someday, just not right now.

So, here I am: stunned. I’m not sure when we’ll need to go in and see the fertility doctor. I don’t know when we’ll be able to find out for sure whether it’s one or two. I’m praying that whatever number, we don’t have to go through what our friends just did with a miscarriage. It’s just so early. Its so sudden. So many emotions. I want to know more and don’t have any choice but to wait.

I’m not sure what else to say. Wow.

May 21, 2007

boo God!

Filed under: Christianity, clomid, infertility, IUI — noisedoctor @ 9:51 pm

I guess I spoke too soon. Our good friends that just found out at the beginning of last week they were pregnant, found out at the end of last week that she was going to miscarry–and that started today for her.

Boo… God, we really don’t like this. It’s so not fair. It’s almost cruel.

Okay. I had to get that out. Yes, You are God and I am not. You must have some reason behind allowing this to happen. We still love and worship You. You are worthy of our praise regardless of how we feel when things like this happen. Please bring comfort. Please bring peace and healing. And, please bring a baby–one for each couple would be really wonderful.  Amen.

And, to anyone offended at the title of this post… I’m just being honest with God in how I feel right now. Besides, I think He’s big enough to handle it.

2 < 4

Filed under: clomid, infertility — noisedoctor @ 9:45 pm

We went to the doctor today. The ultrasound showed 2 nice follicles. That’s a good thing. I didn’t really want there to be 4 (or more). So, apparently you have to up the dose of Clomid each month to keep getting the same number of follicles. Interesting.

May 15, 2007

yeah God!

Filed under: Christianity, clomid, family, infertility, IUI — noisedoctor @ 1:50 pm

The closest mutual friends (call them J, the husband, and C, the wife) that my wife and I have are a couple that are part of our small group Bible Study. They got married a year or so after us and started trying to get pregnant a month or two after us.

They just found out this past weekend that they are pregnant (their second round of Clomid and 3rd or 4th IUI and same fertility doctor). Yeah God! Yes, we wanted to join them and all be pregnant at the same time but we’re still completely thrilled that God has chosen now to give them this gift.

My wife talked this weekend with C (the wife) and C expressed that she sort of felt a little guilty, that my wife and I were “supposed to get pregnant first” (because we’re a little older). My wife reassured here that there’s absolutely no resentment there and no reason to be guilty. I’m thankful that she means it sincerely.

I talked with J (the husband) last night and reassured him that my wife was completely sincere. I told him to remind his wife that we’re very content and happy with God’s timing about this in our lives. Obviously there’s some reason that he wants us to wait a while longer. I don’t know what that is, but I’m happy to wait here, knowing He has a special gift for us someday. He has blessed us so much, how could we think anything else?

Yeah God. Thank you for blessing our friends. May things go well, safely, and happily. May you allow us to be a part of and blessing to that child’s (or children…) life.

May 13, 2007

clomid, round 3

Filed under: Christianity, clomid, family, infertility, marriage — noisedoctor @ 8:47 am

I am really starting to dislike our doctor (RE). Well, not just the doctor, but the whole office organization. So far, I’ve been able to (barely) tolerate the 30-60 minute delays at every appointment we make–I take the laptop and do work while we wait. But, now I’m struggling–with the issue of trust.

(more…)

May 7, 2007

another swing and miss

Filed under: clomid, infertility, marriage — noisedoctor @ 11:53 pm

We had agreed a while back not to do any more pregnancy tests–just wait for the period to start or not. But, tonight my wife’s back pain was really bad (no idea what caused it, thought it might be from being pregnant) and the Tylenol wasn’t cutting it. So… we agreed to take a test to see if she could take something stronger.

Another swing and miss. So, if we get pregnant next month we’d be batting around .052–not even up there with American League pitchers during inter-league play. But, we’ll keep trying nonetheless. We believe God is just telling us “not yet” and not “no.” So, we’ll wait for that one blessed time we’re able to connect with the pitch.

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