boo God!

I guess I spoke too soon. Our good friends that just found out at the beginning of last week they were pregnant, found out at the end of last week that she was going to miscarry–and that started today for her.

Boo… God, we really don’t like this. It’s so not fair. It’s almost cruel.

Okay. I had to get that out. Yes, You are God and I am not. You must have some reason behind allowing this to happen. We still love and worship You. You are worthy of our praise regardless of how we feel when things like this happen. Please bring comfort. Please bring peace and healing. And, please bring a baby–one for each couple would be really wonderful.  Amen.

And, to anyone offended at the title of this post… I’m just being honest with God in how I feel right now. Besides, I think He’s big enough to handle it.

yeah God!

The closest mutual friends (call them J, the husband, and C, the wife) that my wife and I have are a couple that are part of our small group Bible Study. They got married a year or so after us and started trying to get pregnant a month or two after us.

They just found out this past weekend that they are pregnant (their second round of Clomid and 3rd or 4th IUI and same fertility doctor). Yeah God! Yes, we wanted to join them and all be pregnant at the same time but we’re still completely thrilled that God has chosen now to give them this gift.

My wife talked this weekend with C (the wife) and C expressed that she sort of felt a little guilty, that my wife and I were “supposed to get pregnant first” (because we’re a little older). My wife reassured here that there’s absolutely no resentment there and no reason to be guilty. I’m thankful that she means it sincerely.

I talked with J (the husband) last night and reassured him that my wife was completely sincere. I told him to remind his wife that we’re very content and happy with God’s timing about this in our lives. Obviously there’s some reason that he wants us to wait a while longer. I don’t know what that is, but I’m happy to wait here, knowing He has a special gift for us someday. He has blessed us so much, how could we think anything else?

Yeah God. Thank you for blessing our friends. May things go well, safely, and happily. May you allow us to be a part of and blessing to that child’s (or children…) life.

clomid cycle 2

I haven’t posted much lately. After last month’s tension regarding the IUI (my wife going ahead with that against the doctor’s and my advice) I got a little burned out from thinking about, much less writing about, this infertility journey.

We’re mid-way through Clomid cycle 2. My wife has been having a lot more and more severe hot flashes. But, thankfully, there have been less serious mood swings. Either they’re not as bad this time around, she’s gotten better at controlling them, or I’ve gotten better at rolling with them–either way, it’s been a lot better for us this month.

She got checked twice this cycle: last Friday (too early) and this morning. There are two, possibly three, follicles that look like they’re ready to do their thing. The doctor was very pleased that things are swimming well, especially since Clomid tends to try up cervical mucus–hence why IUIs are common when using Clomid. So, this time my wife is in agreement with me and the doctor that an IUI wouldn’t really accomplish a lot.

Oh, gotta go. We have to do our homework. 🙂

not this month

I just got an e-mail from my wife at work. She started her period today. So, despite the Clomid and IUI, it didn’t “work” this month. All I can hope is that the Clomid will reduce the severity of her cramps. If it does, it will almost make the mood swings worth it. Now we’ll have to schedule an appointment to have her uterine polyp removed–and she’s really troubled about that. I’ve tried to encourage her on that, especially not to worry, but she doesn’t seem all that encouraged by my efforts on that.

Oh well. I’m still confident that God has something interesting and wonderful planned for us at some point and we just have to wait for it.

tick tock

It’s day 27, and 14 days after ovulation. My wife’s basal temperature is still up. I’ve noticed some uncharacteristic (and somewhat severe) mood swings the past 3 weeks. I’ve also noticed a diminished appetite on her part. So, I don’t know if that’s all Clomid, or maybe might be something else. For now, we just wait and watch the clock tick a little longer.

an unhappy and painful IUI

I wasn’t really sure how to title this posting. That was the best I could come up with. I previously posted that we were discussing (aka struggling) with the decision to have an IUI (aka artificial insemination) done. So, it was done, but not under the best of circumstances.

This one is pretty long, so I’ll just break it here. Suffice it to say, things haven’t been stellar in the household lately. We just couldn’t really reach agreement on the IUI. So, I gave my wife permission to have it done, even though I really didn’t want her to. [see the comment below for my change of the previous sentence to the following sentence] Eventually, I gave up trying to discuss it logically and rationally, and despite really not wanting her to have the IUI, I told her it was okay with me for her to go to have it done.

We would definitely appreciate continued prayer and support.

to IUI or not to IUI…

So, last cycle we pondered and ultimately decided against using Clomid but used it on this cycle. Now, we’re left to ponder whether to do an IUI on Monday morning or not.

Even the low dose of Clomid that my wife has taken proved to be quite potent. She had an internal ultrasound this morning and there are two follicles formed on one ovary. There’s another smaller one on the other side–but the doctor doesn’t think that will mature “in time. So, that alleviates one of my fears–that Clomid would stimulate 4 or 5 follicles.

We had a PCT done this morning as well (that’s Post-Coital Test). This time I got to see the results under the microscope. After we left, my wife asked me, “Did you like seeing ‘your boys’ swimming under the microscope?” I had to admit that I did. She replied, “I thought you would.” Why? I have no idea. It was just pretty funny and yet somehow amazing how the whole process works there. God is a creative, if not eccentric creator, no?

So, the results of the PCT were good. The doctor is happy that Clomid hasn’t reduced the ability of things to get swimming where they need to be swimming. The doctor has said that there’s no real advantage to doing an IUI (Inter-Uterine Insemination). The assistant that called with the results today did admit that “it couldn’t hurt anything–except your wallet.” Sure, at $400, it would hurt the wallet a little. It’s not crippling or anything. But, in the range that I say, “If the doctor doesn’t think we need to do it, why bother?” But, my wife still really wants to do it.

I find this ironic in one way. I was hesitant to use Clomid in the past. She kept arguing that we should follow the doctor’s advice. She believes that part of trusting God through our fertility process is to trust the doctor that we’ve entrusted with our care. Yet, now when that same doctor says that an IUI isn’t needed, that tune is now dropped. Now she believes she knows better than the doctor. To me, that’s a little ironic.

At this point, there’s enough else going on with our relationship that has me beaten down and borderline depressed. So, I’m very inclined to just give in to stop having to talk about it. I can’t say I believe it’s wrong to do it. It’s just unnecessary in my mind. If it were unnecessary and $20, then fine. But, unnecessary and $400? That makes it a little different.

for now, we wait

After much discussion tonight (and prayer over the past 24 hours), my wife and I have agreed to wait another month before starting her on Clomid.

Some of you just read that last sentence and went “what in the world is Clomid?” Some of you read the last sentence and went “why in the world would you hesitate to start Clomid?” Let me try to answer both of those questions.